Marriage
by Madame Meg
Summary: “Also, as you may or may not know, if you don't use protection during sexual activities now a days, it can kill you. Let me clarify myself for you, Edward. I am that protection, and I will kill you.” Charlie sets some ‘rules’ for Edward.


Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters in it.

EPOV

I leaned my forehead against Bella's, smiling down at her. She smiled back hesitantly, her eyes darting around nervously. We were to be married in a couple of hours, and I knew she was worried about seeing her mother. Her mother and Phil were to arrive today, and Renee had not taken our engagement that well. Unfortunately, Charlie had not taken to it well, either. But he, unlike Renee, had realized he couldn't stop us.

"It will be okay," I reassured her right before Alice came prancing up. She grabbed Bella's arm, pulling her backwards and away from me.

"Excuse me," she practically snapped. "It's time for Bella to get dressed. So go away!" She waved me away with one pale hand, and I cast a hesitant glance to Bella who was looking at me pleadingly. I hesitantly opened the door and stepped out, sending Bella an apologetic look. She did have to get dressed, as much as I might wish I could fasten her to my waist.

"I'll be back as soon as Alice let's me," I told her before gently shutting the door. Almost as soon as I had done that another voice broke in.

"A word, Edward," Charlie said. He was standing behind me, looking rather stiff and unwelcoming. I smiled.

"Of course, Charlie," I agreed politely, but Charlie just turned and started walking. I followed him as I knew he wanted me to, letting him lead me inside of a empty room. He turned to face me, his arms going across his chest. From what I heard of his thoughts, he just wanted to talk to me about my relationship with Bella. That wasn't too bad.

"Edward, as you know," he began slowly. "I own a gun."

The beginning took me by surprise.

"Well, yes," I told him, arching an eye-brow. Surely he wasn't implying what I thought he was implying.

"But you see, Edward, I don't just own one gun. I own three guns in total, and I keep them at my house." He shrugged innocently. "At the present moment, the safety is on all of them so they don't accidentally go off. They're under a bunch of junk in my room, but I'm positive I'll be able to find them again. Do you catch my drift?"

I was stunned. "Umm... well, yes, Charlie, I believe I do." I cleared my throat, not sure of what the proper response would be in this situation. I didn't want to be rude, after all, he was my future father-in-law. But I couldn't really not say anything, could I? Should I act frightened to make the fact I'm pretending to be human a bit more believable?

"But not only that," he continued before I could talk. "Are you aware my second cousin is a hunter? You see, we were really close when I was younger. He hunted animals all of the time, and he always got them. Even if he had to track them down, since they tended to run away." Charlie's eye-brows narrowed. I stared at him, my mouth dropping open. His thoughts were just as bad.

"Sir, I assure you-" but abruptly I was cut off.

"Yes, and then there was my uncle. He's still alive, and he's gone a bit crazy. He's been living in a mental asylum for the past fifteen years. But I assure you that he is still quite fast and capable of movement. He was always quite fond of me. I have no doubt in my mind that he would escape and come here to deal with you if I asked him to."

Why had I never heard of this man?

"Well, Charlie, that's very, umm..." I couldn't find the words to describe it.

"And then we have my aunt!" Charlie continued. "She does landscaping, you know. Do you know how handy landscaping is when you have a dead body that needs to be hidden?"

I stiffened. "Charlie, please don't say you are implying-"

"And then we have Renee's family!" Charlie started up again. "She has two brothers, you know. Bella doesn't really talk about them much, and Renee doesn't really see them much. And for good reason. That's because one is in jail and the other one is on the run for murder. Meaning he's still out there and will most likely want to... meet you."

I laughed as lightly as I could. "Perhaps I better go get ready for the wedding."

Charlie held up his hand as if to stop me from talking. "Please, son, just let this old man finish his speech."

Did he just call me son?

"Renee's cousin is a pyro, you know. Loves fire and loves to... share the fire." Charlie arched one eye-brow. "Understand what I'm saying?"

I could only nod mutely.

"Now, let me clarify the rules for your marriage with my daughter," he started up again. My eyes went wide.

"Rules?" I exclaimed. Surely he was joking!

"Rules," he confirmed. "For starters, you may wrap your arms around her. But your arms may not stray from around her shoulders. I also want a good six inches between the two of you at all times. If you can manage to get your arm around her shoulders with that distance between the two of you, then good for you, son! Feel free to do so.

Second off, you are a good looking guy, Edward. I'm sure other girls are going to be throwing themselves at you. So, to ensure that they know you are taken, I'm going to have to ask you stop by my house later today; alone, of course, so I can use the hot glue gun I've had for ages to keep that wedding band on your middle finger."

"I assure you I would never cheat on your daughter," I stiffly told him.

He smiled. "I know you won't, but that doesn't change the fact they need to be well aware you are taken."

I chuckled nervously. "Trust me; I won't remove my wedding band."

"It doesn't matter." Charlie's eyes narrowed. "I need to be sure that wedding band never leaves your finger. If you don't come willingly, I will do it while you're sleeping." Oh, the irony of his statement. I nearly smiled. I'd like to see him try and find me sleeping. If he managed to do that, the impossible, I'd LET him glue the ring to my finger!

"Also, as you may or may not know, if you don't use protection during sexual activities now a days, it can kill you." Charlie smiled and leaned closer to me. "Let me clarify myself for you, Edward. I am that protection, and I will kill you."

My mouth fell open. "_What?_"

"Thirdly, dress nicely always. No going out dressed like a man whore. It will attract the attention from females, and we don't want to do that to my daughter, do we? If you ignore this rule, I will dress you myself. And trust me," his eyes narrowed, "you won't like my choice." At the present moment, he was imagining me going out in a pink, frilly dress.

Shocked was now an understatement.

"Charlie, I am going to have to ask that you stop this now." I tried to sound firm, but Charlie ignored me.

"Fourth off, please, do not break my daughter's heart." He laughed.

"I would never!" I exclaimed immediately. He laughed.

"Well, just in case, I want you to know this: You break my daughter's heart and I break you." He reached over to pat my shoulder gently before he opened the door, allowing me to leave if I chose to. I hurried past him, trying to look calm and collected and failing miserably. How could Alice have not warned me about this? "Oh, and Edward!" he called out. "First off, remember to come over to get that wedding ring hot glued on. Also, welcome to the family."

(BPOV)

I skipped happily to my father's house, opening the door quietly. It was the day after our wedding, and I couldn't be happier. In the end, I was glad I had married Edward. To be honest, I could have done without the huge party, but Alice was right. I did need to do a real wedding. Charlie deserved a chance to walk me down the aisle.

"Hey, dad!" I called, walking into the kitchen. He muttered a quick goodbye to whoever he was on the phone with and turned to face me.

"Hey, Bells. What are you doing here?" he asked.

I laughed. "Just came to collect some things last minute. I hope I didn't come at a bad time," I told him, gesturing toward the phone. He chuckled.

"I don't mind at all, Bells. I was done talking, anyway." He seemed rather pleased with himself, I noted.

"Who were you talking to?" I asked. He usually never talked on the phone, and it was rather out of character behavior of him to do so.

"Just some old relatives. I figured I'd give them all a call today," he told me, chuckling. "Did Edward come?" I raised my eye-brow. The only relatives we really had weren't usually people we liked to talk with, due to their... problems, to put it nicely. I was rather surprised he was talking to them. Was he that lonely since I had moved out? I frowned.

"No, Edward didn't come. For some reason, he really didn't want to come. I think maybe Esme wanted to talk to him. She's so thrilled that he has gotten married. She was worried he'd never find someone." I smiled softly. I was so glad that somebody was me.

"That's too bad. But you know what, Bella? I'm really, really glad I called those relatives of mine now." He chuckled. "I called a few of your mother's as well."

I shrugged, not sure what to say. If I asked if he was lonely or anything of that sort, I knew he'd just deny it. My eyes wondered around the room, settling on the table. My frown increased, and I was a bit confused. "Hey, dad, um... why are your guns on the table? And where did the safety go?" I asked, picking one of the guns up. I placed it back down almost immediately, glancing at the other two while doing so.

He laughed. "I was just cleaning them. And I don't think I'll need the safety anymore, Bella." He started to laugh loudly, and I had no idea why, but I laughed along with them.

(EPOV)

I stared down at my beautiful wife, running my finger tips along her cheek. She just groaned, opening one eye to peak out at me, smiling gently. She was having trouble sleeping, partly due to the fact she had been restless ever since she made the exact date of her change and partly because of the fact I was keeping her up. I couldn't help myself from staring at her and constantly leaning down to kiss her lightly.

I was so preoccupied with staring at her that I didn't hear or see the window creaking open. Neither did Bella—she just laughed as I continued to stare at her. I sent her my crooked smile, and, like expected, she momentarily stopped breathing. And then she glared at me, slightly angry but mostly amused that I had 'dazzled her', as she put it.

And abruptly she sat up and screamed, clutching the blanket against her chest. She cowered into me before she relaxed, her heart beat slowing down considerately from the high pace it had been doing before. "Dad!" she screeched. I glanced over to the side, and sure enough, a dark figure stood in our room. I silently cursed. How had I not heard him entering our room, and how had I not heard his thoughts or smelled his scent?

Bella continued to scream, and I was thankful my family did not have to sleep. "Why are you here at the Cullen's, in my room at midnight? And why the _hell_ are you holding a hot glue gun?"

**Authors Note: Obviously, they were all rather OOC, hehe. Hope you enjoyed. Please review!**


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